Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The smell of agony
I don't know why I have this pain in my head all the time. I've had an MRI, a CAT scan, a talk with a neurologist, several different drugs (both narcotic and non-narcotic), massage and prayer. So far, narcotic painkillers win as the one thing that has been able to dull if not remove the constant agony that lives in the neighborhood of my eyes. Those are gone, and I'm not really interested enough in a dependency on them to seek more so I haven't. The new drugs from the neurologist that are supposed to prevent them in the first place are doing nothing at all, they are the equivalent of sugar pills. The Naprocin/Imatrex combo bullets that go for 21 dollars a piece, even from Canada do nothing. Ice packs change the flavor of the headache, and a frozen eyeball is it's own special weirdness, but not really relief. The neuro-meds let the pain out of it's small box over my right eye so it had room to stretch out and get comfortable in my whole forehead, but like we all do it's returned to it's comfort zone while not giving up its newfound space, so now I have both.
I want to use dramatic statements like "I'm losing my will to live" or "Just chop my head off above the ears, I don't care" but I don't really want to die or go around with half a face, I just want this to stop or find some relief. I would swallow any pill from any source in this moment if I were promised two hours respite from the pain, regardless of its content or origin. That's bad. My new sensation is now "Ice pick through the roof of the mouth" which connects with the pain in my forehead. I don't even want to have this day. I don't care how much personal growth it may contain, or who I may be of service to, or what I might learn, I just don't want it. When it was my hands or my knee that hurt I would lean away from them and say "I can only get this far away from the pain." but when it's my head there's no leaning, because the hunk of meat that perceives is also the thing that hurts. If I didn't know it would kill me I would borrow Andrew's weapon and fire a round in one temple and out the other, just to make a path for some fresh air to flow through, and possibly let some of this out before it explodes on its own. I have no desire for death, so that is not a plan, and yet I can picture doing just that. The strength of my skull prevents me from digging my fingers in and scooping out large chunks of rotted brain, the decaying matter that must be the source of this. It's not killing me in any way that shows up on medical monitoring equipment, but I am dying, have no doubt. I can only imagine what it would smell like in there.