Huntress of the Lens


Monday, April 26, 2010


It's a beast, the subtle under-the-bed kind of monster that you really can't see. It gets in your head and whispers to you, makes itself a part of your flesh and fluid. It's what you know, and you think it's your only friend. You can't live with it, it's killing you and you know it. You can't live without it, because it's all there is and like air you need it in a way that no one understands and it's killing you. It's your addiction, and it's ivy wrapping around your tree-all the way to the top.

Kicking dope, dope-sick, craving, sweating, crying and you believe it will never stop, never get better. It screams and rages, it whines and begs, and it lies. If you believe it you will die. If you ignore it you think you will die. It's the first days of recovery if you let it be, and it is a hell the christian bible never even hinted at. 

People will tell you there's a different way to live, that you never have to use again, that you're not alone in this. These are true statements, but it's very hard to hear truth in them when you know you are dying. 

They call it labor when a woman gives birth, and it's very much the same. This is either your slow agonizing death or the birth of your new life. 

How bad do you want it?

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for showing me that I have the choice, desire and true love and support to make this a new life for me and a slow, agonizing death for my disease, which I know I must battle with for the rest of my journey. I have an addiction to drugs that started...well, I don't know when it really started, but I've been battling with it for at least 22 years now.

    Because of my addiction, I hurt and alienated just about everyone that I ever came in contact with and when things got too hard or started to go against me, I would just move on to a new city or town. I now see that no matter where I went, there I was, surrounding myself with the same people, just different faces and places. They were the ones who only loved me for the drugs I had and did and I loved them because they inflated my ego and made me think that I was always in control because I always had the drugs.

    The past 8 months brought me hella deeper into this addiction as I began a heavy diet pharmaceuticals, cocaine and China White (heroin if ur not in the "game"). On my come downs, I generally would take a Zanax or Alprazolam. Why I am not dead today, I do not know, because I have heard at least a dozen stories now in detox that ended with the people waking up in intensive care units after over dosing on this toxic concoction. Many of these stories were accompanied with sidebars that their friends did not make it those nights. I now realize that I was just committing suicide - one line at a time, one pill at a time.

    What brought me to seek rehab and realize that I needed to change my life the proper way was two arrests in one year, 5 days in jail and waking up one Saturday morning, after spending the night in jail and posting a $30,000 bail, to one cop with his gun drawn on me and another under my bed searching for weapons. Scary, but for 30+ years I somehow managed to evade all these issues and never spent one night in jail until last year - but even that didn't stop me. I continued down this road, lying to myself and my loved ones until I straight up lost my shit. I also lost my fiancee, my house, my money and my freedom and I am now an accused violent felon (charges pending) with a violation of probation from a felony DUI. THIS IS NOT ME!!!!!

    The courage to take the steps to get clean is not easily found - especially for the addict. But with the love and support of my fellow addicts, I now know that I can live a full life without drugs and that I am actually lovable. Thank you for showing my that Life is greater than I am and that I am a good person who has a horrible disease.


The fish can fly, the dogs and cats dance together and all the flowers are edible.