Huntress of the Lens


Thursday, April 29, 2010

Simple things, why I am such a bitch

I am fully aware that I must be very difficult to live with. I'm also aware that I am not the Empress of the universe, and that I don't get to make rules and expect others to follow them. With that said, this is a list of simple things that I consider to be reasonable requests, and will act as if I have a right to demand compliance from anyone within approximately 50 feet of me.

1. Mouth noises
There are two categories of mouth noises that I simply cannot tolerate. Noises made while consuming food or beverage, and random noises.

Don't slurp, smack, crunch, chomp or take super bites that are too large to process with your mouth closed. Don't consume any food that needs to be inserted into your mouth with several bites, bite and chew each bit separately. (These items include but are not limited to french fries, potato chips and popcorn.)Don't eat crunchy foods that I can hear you chewing even if your mouth is closed. You may like these foods, but eat them somewhere else. Don't put food into your mouth until it is at a temperature you can deal with. All the noises associated with a mouth full of food that is too hot are un
bearable, and "It's too hot!" is not a valid reason for making these noises. Do not slurp any liquid that is too hot to drink silently. I have experimented with
several foods personally, and it is possible to consume any food in silence if this is your goal. Make
it your goal, you're driving me crazy. Please do not EVER remove the food from your fork with your teeth. Under no circumstance can I bear to hear your teeth scrape your fork. If you must chew gum (and it is my belief that unless it's nicotine gum this behavior is entirely ridiculous)do not crack, snap, chomp or blow bubbles with it. Do not take it out of your mouth then reinsert it. This is disgusting.

Random mouth noises:
Whistling, whether it's a tune or just a little meandering whistley sound is just not called for.
whistling should be banned; and while we're at it let's include the kazoo. The kazoo is a party favor, not an instrument and is not appropriate in any situation that is not a children's party. You may knock yourself out at a kid's party, I won't be there, as a rule I can't stand kids. Don't put things in your mouth that are not food, don't chew on paper or fabric or little pieces of God-knows-what. This makes me gag. I understand the need to tap something on your front teeth once or twice to verify what it is (This is a foolproof way to tell if something is glass or plastic, metal or wood) but two taps are all that should be needed for this. Kissing is nice, but the noise it produces is horrible. Sloppy, slurpy kissing should be done in private with someone who can enjoy this with you. Simple common sense should be able to guide you as to what noises should be made with the mouth: none. The one exception is speech.

2. Speech:
I understand that not everyone knows the proper pronunciation of every word, that's what I'm here for. If I inform you of the correct way to pronounce a word, do not repeat your mis-pronunciation. If I, myself, mis-pronounce a word you may point it out to me, because I am reasonable. (Jim got me with parabola just the other day.) I will immediately go to a dictionary
verify that you are correct. As I've already said, I am a reasonable person. Slaughtering the English language is not called for, it is beautiful and complex. "Almost" words are not words, they are nails to my brain. "Supposably," "Irregardless," and "Nucular" are but a small sampling of almost words. Double negatives ("I don't have none of those.") are something we all should have overcome by third grade. Use this beautiful language correctly, it's not some duct-taped old tool you found lying around to just bash things with! I will, on occasion, punctuate things incorrectly. I am more tolerant of other's flaws when I see them in myself.

I will include the written word in this category, yet not include all the rules for writing. There are entire books to dedicated to educating you in how to write properly. This is just my own personal (and highly reasonable may I add) list of things that drive me insane. If you text me, I do not demand punctuation. I understand that a few extra clicks to achieve an apostrophe or a comma can be burdensome and time-consuming. Do not, however, substitute a number 4 a word
or a letter to symbolize an entire word. It's "you" not "U" and the letter Z is not interchangeable with the letter S. It takes as much time to text "was" as it does "wuz" so let's not have any more of that. I understand that no one has the time to edit all of their text messages to be grammatically correct, and that when typing it's fairly easy to let the occasional "teh" slip through when you meant "the." I'm not trying to rule with an iron fist here, but seriously people, this is very important.

3. Movement:
Unnecessary movement, such as but not limited to: Chair spinning, foot swinging, object tapping, ball-point pen clicking or kicking things gently(whether you are seated or not) is intolerable. There is no excuse for doing these things. Stop it immediately please.

4. Breathing:
I should not ever have to hear you breathe. If you need to sniff more than twice it's time to blow your nose. I will be happy to get you a tissue at any time, rather than hear more than two sniffs. If you're running or hiking up a hill I understand that your breathing may be audible. I won't be there to hear it, I don't enjoy physical activity of any kind. All things worth doing can be accomplished while sitting in a chair, but that is simply my opinion.

Exempted from this category is snoring, because apparently I do that myself. I have heard recorded evidence of my own snoring, and it sounds much like a small gasoline-powered device with a two-stroke motorcycle trying to make it to the top of a hill, an angry steer and a hand-saw. My own snoring does not bother me, although yours will. I am not a hypocrite, I will let your snoring go unremarked.

5. Many other things:
Don't put your fingers in your mouth, ever. Wash your hands for as long as it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" after you use the restroom. Don't touch my nose for any reason or tickle me. If you have a habit, it's probably going to bother me. I will tolerate it as long as I possibly can, and then tell you nicely to please discontinue immediately. There is no way to predict which little habits will bother me, that is why I am so willing to tell you when to stop doing something. I'm here to help you become a better person. I do this for my own comfort and out of a deep, yet conditional love of humanity.

Now, who wants to go hang out?


  1. First of all, this was a very enjoyable piece to read through. I am not differentiating this one from the others as not being enjoyable, just saying that I really like the fun in this one.
    It flowed so well that I was able to speed read it and still get all the comedy out of it. Just LOVE this one!
    I enjoy the ease with which you write about every day, mundane events and make them into entertainment.
    Thanks for the laughter this morning! :)

  2. Wow Bee, this had me laughing from the inside out and giddily trying to read it aloud to Mr. Thespy...very funny...especially knowing you. Well done!


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